Take your Britz 4WD Campervan down a dirt road after heavy rain, chew the surface up for months to come before getting stuck and plead with locals (who may be hundreds of kilometres away) to pull you out, and… Well, they don’t like it.

In fact, many of them will charge you. Even if you do know which bits of the wheels you need to fiddle with to put the vehicle into 4WD mode. Or thought you did…

2: Don’t Brake for Mirages. It Worries Folk.
It’s a problem that beset all the Australian explorers. Enormous great puddles of imaginary water all across the bush and desert. Though they didn’t have the handy “floodway” signs over every minuscule depression in the road to exacerbate their dehydrated visions.

It is very disconcerting to see 10k of long straight road striped with lakes of dark water. If it hasn’t been raining, they’re mirages. If it has, well, they might or might not be.

Once you start mistaking clumps of grass for speed cops or echidnas on a regular basis, however, it’s probably time to change drivers. Even if you are in NT.

3: Point the Car in a Straight Line and Leave it There
For folk used to European or, heaven forfend, Asian traffic the rigorous, obedient nature of Australian driving can be quite refreshing. Big empty roads. F*ckall on them. Just point the car in the right direction and try not to nod off at the wheel.

If you want to do anything adventurous, say, change lanes (should there be one), overtake or, erm, not overshoot the only turnoff in several hundred kilometres, it’s wise to leave plenty of time and space for anyone behind you to catch up on what you’re doing.

Deviate from a straight line and constant speed and someone who’s driven 500k on an empty stomach and a steaming hangover’s going to go right into the back of you

4: Leave A Zillion Miles Clear When Overtaking
Roadtrains are trucks. Big, BIG truck, towing up to four equally outsize trailers. They brake for no one, and even if they did, it would take a good few kilometres for them to stop. Don’t try and overtake one of these without at least 2.5k of clear road ahead of you, and ideally a designated overtaking lane in which to do it.

In general, allow even an average sized vehicle as much space as you’d leave a double lorry in more congested climates. And if someone’s weaving all over the road, don’t pass them until they’ve pulled off for a nap (or to refuel their stubby supplies).

6: Beware of Creeks
Most of the time the average creek is a dry, rocky stream bed. When full beyond overflowing, creeks can have overwhelming force, as seen tragically at Toowoomba in Queensland.

If a creek’s high but passable wait for a 4WD vehicle with a high exhaust to come along. Then follow in its wake.

Creek flooding can wash the road away entirely, take out the edges, or leave the road coated in that super-skiddy bright orange sand they call bull dust in these parts. Where there’s been rain, slow to check the state of the road.

7: Overtaking is a Challenge to a Gentleman’s Manhood
There is nothing that pushes a male Australian driver to and beyond the boundaries of the speed limit than overtaking (ladies! Wearing pink makes this noticeably worse.)

Only attempt to pass another vehicle, however far below the speed limit it is when you pull out, if you’ve got the vavavoom and distance to accelerate harder than they have and keep it up.

8: Jerry Cans Are Your Friend
Don’t go into the Outback without gallons upon gallons of water, in case of breakdown off the beaten track – or even on it. You can wait a long, long time to see another vehicle on the road to Arkaroola, let alone the Oodnadatta Track.

Outside major population centres, such as, err, Darwin, and, um, Alice Springs, petrol costs a fortune. Even if you’re driving roads with gas stations on them, consider carrying a jerry can or two to get you through to the centre. Or pay north of two dollars a litre at some spots.

9: Don’t Kill Wildlife: It Kills Your Car
Wild camels! Lovely roos! Lovely, gorgeous, boingy kangaroos… Found in a range of exotic pieces as a semi-permanent roadside decoration in much of Central Australia, grey kangaroos can reach over 2m tall and weigh well over 200kg.

They tend to come out at twilight and after dark, in groups. If you don’t have roo bars (bull bars), they can be lethal, taking out windscreen, radiator, even passengers. If you need to drive at twilight or beyond, drive slow. But don’t swerve to avoid a roo. Just brake.

10: If the Road’s Not Open, You’re Not Going In
In Australia, heavy rain shuts dirt roads — or transforms them from 2WD graded highways to corrugated 4WD goat tracks. Driving on a closed road can cost you thousands of dollars in fines. Check road advisories on the relevant state website before you set out: South Australia, Western Australia and Northern Territory.

Driving the Simpson Desert, currently closed to all traffic after the emergency services got sick of risking their lives saving over-ambitious, under-equipped tourists, can leave you dead. Or with a very big fine.

What are your top tips for driving in Outback Australia? We’re almost in the dead centre of the Red Centre now, and I’d love to hear.