I am flattered by this for about a nanosecond, not least because the writer, although failing to identify my nationality (clue: I spell “favorite” “favourite”), has at least got my name right.

That is not, to put it mildly, always a given in the rarefied world of blogging.

Despite the fact that the email address to which said emails arrive includes my name.

Now, I get a lot of emails. Which is, sadly, not to say I’m besieged with invitations to the hot ticket five star hotel openings, to liveaboard dive boats in the Galapagos, or, typically, even anything in the right country for me.

Oh no.

But there is an entire bottom-feeding industry, apparently manned by illiterates, elancers and/or “interns” that “specialises in social media”.

Which means randomly barraging bloggers with press releases, or press releases masquerading as blog posts, or advertising masquerading as blog posts, on the basis that we will, of course, publish anything.

And “share” anything. This one provides a “suggested Tweet” for me to put out.

The offer of “free content” occurs with bewildering regularity.

Because I totally want some Romanian freelancer to write my blog for me. That’s REALLY going to work.

“Hi,

I have a unique content I want to share on your blog. To you, this free…”

Because who wouldn’t want to publish FREE CONTENT written in Nigeria for $0.002 per word by someone who has yet to master the use of the English article?

“Hi,

I am a freelance content writer. I can offer you for free…”

Yes! Because freelance writers love to write for free. Nothing fishy about that offer, not at all.

“Hi,

I am a professional writer…”

No shit! Me TOO!

Are you going to offer me free content? How fantastically charitable of you!

Or, for a little bit of variety, en Español. (Yes. I know I write in English. But who knows? Many of you may also enjoy free content in Spanish. Y’know. Words. Doesn’t really matter who arranges them. Or what language they’re in. All the bloody same, really.)

“Hola

Acabo de regresar de travelswithanineyearold.com y pensé que sería oportuno escribirle sobre un nuevo proyecto que estoy convencido nos beneficiará a ambos.”

Oh REALLY? Your project will benefit us both?! Will it involve publishing some FREE CONTENT?

“Se trata de una página de alta gama, con contenidos que sus lectores amarán.”

It WILL! A very high quality page, no less, with content which my readers will LOVE.

Ya hear that, y’all? Y’all are gonna love those contenidos Castellanos!

“Hi,

As a hobby…”

No, you fool! You BLOG as a hobby. It takes about 30 seconds to set one up (and about a gadzillion years to get anyone to read it). You don’t write for other people’s blogs as a hobby! Seriously!

And, for the record, no, I do not want your unique articles (even if they are 100% CopyScape protected, AKA, have been run through a word juggler to destroy any coherence they might have had when they came back from Nigeria in the first place, in a bulk run of several thousand “articles”).

Yes, even if they are on such original, innovative and endlessly fascinating topics as “travel tips on travel with kids”, that evergreen favourite “airport parking” or, for that matter, “cruise tips”.

Nor do I want a destination guide to a city I know well written by someone who, oh-so-evidently, has yet to leave Lagos.

And even if ALL I NEED DO to inflict this wonderful content on my patient readers is include JUST ONE LINK to your client.

Then there are the “PRs”. I use the quotation marks, because with my journo hat on, I have had (and occasionally still have) the pleasure of dealing with real PRs.

Which is a sentence I thought I’d never write.

Because there is nothing, absolutely nothing that makes you appreciate the value of PRs, folk with whom journos typically have a relationship most charitably described as “conflicted”, than starting a blog and receiving bulkmailed releases about “cozy sleepsacks”.

There are actual competitions covering the world’s coziest sleepsack. Who KNEW?

And I KNOW you guys are just gagging to hear the results.

Oh, wait.

You aren’t? Seriously?

These things are like the baby product Olympics… Only with fabric softeners in place of steroids, I guess, and fuzzy ducks standing in for parallel beams.

Then there’s this sort of thing…

“Hi,

Do you have a stinky dog? [Name Redacted] is running an exciting video competition to find the world’s stinkiest dog!”

Normally I just delete this crap, but I couldn’t find the spam button. In fact, I would have picked up the phone, had “Ginger” left a phone number to call her on rather than just her Skype ID.

So instead I emailed her.

“Hi Ginger,

Would you mind explaining what you found on my site that made you think that I or my readers have any interest in dog shampoo?

Cheers,

Theodora”

This is what came back:

“You are a travel blog. [Different Client Name Redacted] is completely relevant.”

Me: “I am not a travel blog. I do HAVE a blog and I also write for print and online publications. I still don’t see the relevance of dog shampoo to me or to my audience.”

Her: “[Name Redacted] is relevant.”

Me: “You didn’t send me anything about [Name Redacted]. You sent me two releases. One about dog shampoo and one about people shampoo.”

And, no, Name Redacted was not relevant. Well, marginally more relevant than dog shampoo. Or people shampoo, for that matter.

In fact, my inbox is an almost constant barrage of “share this”, “publish this”, “promote this”, with a dash of “give me your posts free” and “write me something new for free” generally from folk whose research process does not even extend to establishing my first name.

Often in exchange for “exposure”, or links back.

This is a particular gem of the genre that repays closer reading.

“After reviewing your blog, [Name Redacted] would be interested in considering your blog as a [Name Redacted] Featured Travel Blog.”

Jolly good! Go ahead and write something about me then.

That’s fine, thank you.

I won’t see any traffic from it, because your website sucks arse, but it’s always nice to have a link.

Oh, wait! I have to do something?!

“As a [Name Redacted] Featured Travel Blog you will receive the following:
    A guest blog post on our main travel blog [link redacted]
o   Unique Visitors 60,000 every month
o   100,000 page views
A [name redacted] Featured Travel Blog badge for your website.”

RECEIVE?! RECEIVE a guest blog post?!

You mean I have to write a fucking free blog post for you?

Oh no, Name Redacted (fuck it! It’s CheapoAir, and never was a name better chosen), I don’t think I am RECEIVING a guest blog post.

I think it is YOU that are RECEIVING a free blog post. Something which your various interns/slave labourers have been requesting from me approximately once a quarter – when the intern cycle changes — for roughly the last two years.

Because if there’s one thing a blog provides, it’s access to a dizzying whirl of unpaid writing opportunities.

Ooh, and a BADGE! I get a BADGE?! A badge, I am guessing, that will fit nicely in the 125 x 125 spots I SELL AS FUCKING ADVERTISING.

Dear Cheapoair! I don’t think it is ME that it is “receiving” a free badge! I think it is YOU that are “receiving” free advertising.

In summary, you would like me to:

o write you a blog post
o make you a video blog
o give up my home page real estate to advertise your crappy fucking platform with a fugly badge

In exchange, you will tweet the things I write for you for free, and put them on your Facebook page? And this is somehow supposed to be appealing?

Lord knows, I spend enough time on Facebook to be aware that not all bloggers are the sharpest tools in the toolbox, but people go for this stuff? Seriously?

The wonderful Bloggess handles such requests with a photograph of Wil Wheaton (yeah, I know, I wasn’t entirely sure who he was, either) collating papers.

I think I need a new version. Any thoughts?

The post A Wander Through My Inbox appeared first on EscapeArtistes.